Monday, May 26, 2014


©Ernest Hogan 2014

It must have been the chip, my maimed brain couldn't have done it. Calculating the velocity and trajectory of the lizard, I simply stepped out of its way.

It was confused when it didn't land so its jaws could lock on my throat. I ran a few blocks before its reptilian brain could sort things out.

Phoenix was full of lizards this year. It could be because of all the rain. Obeah X15 ("I'm an experimental model," he sez) thinks it's televoodoo hacking. Most lizards were twice their normal size, but this was way out of line.

Passing a public phone, I did a Charlie Chaplin one-footed-stall&turn, fed it my quarter and dialed home. It rang and rang. "Come on, Vampiko, honey, wake up," I said. Finally, there was the sound of a pick up.

"Hel . . ." she said, then stalled out.

"Vampiko," I leaped in, "it's me, Flash!"

"Flash!" Her adrenal gland popped into action. "Where have you been? I've been worried sick. Your machines have been making an awful racket for days. They keep waking me up, and you know I need my sleep to be beautiful for work." As if anybody would be looking at her face. "I think we should get my coffin sound-proofed."

"Sorry, honey, but I've had an accident."

"Oh, no. I told you that you should wear a helmet."

"Yeah, I know. Could you come an get me?"

There was pregnant pause. "That would mean going out into the daylight . . . the harsh, deadly Phoenix daylight . . ."

"Use your protective gear, honey." At first the vampire thing was just part of her topless-dancer act, but now it was going too far. I enjoy a good neck-bite as much as the next guy, but lately she's been wanting to draw blood.

"First, that gigantic lizard trying to get in the window, and now this . . ."

"Vampiko, are you coming to get me?"

"Well . . . I guess so.  Which hospital are you at?"

"No hospital. Meet me at the Central Library." That was the chip talking. It located the nearest, largest information repository.

"Take care, mon cher," she signed off.

The chip soon had me powerwalking to the library. If I tried real hard I could glance back and see that a saguaro was following me. It was moving fast.  Did it have a gun?

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